Magic Potion

I have a new drink for any time I am not feeling like myself. It’s called magic potion. What you do is you get one of those giant versions of Vitamin Water. It has to be the “defense” kind. Drink a bit off the top to make room for the rest of the potion. While you’ll add a few things in, the “defense” Vitamin Water serves as a good base because it tastes good, and both the “Vitamin Water” and “defense” name tags give off a good amount of the right air of placebo that makes this just work.

So first comes the effervescent stage. What you want to do is you get some Airborne from CVS or something, and you stick two tablets in the drink. Wait a few minutes so it all dissolves (shake it up if you feel like it). Then, grab some Alka Seltzer, put a tablet in there too. You might start to wonder here and go “hey, maybe I should put some Mentos in here. I hear if you mix Mentos and Pepsi, craaaaazy stuff happens!” Well, this is a Magic Potion we’re making. Not some silly vaudeville puppet show. Stop thinking and get back to work.

Here’s the complex part. While the effervescent stage is going, you’re gonna need to start a side mix (it’s like when you start mixing egg yolks while you’re waiting for the butter in the pan to heat up so the eggs don’t stick to the pan…and then the pan gets all brown and it’s impossible to clean…I mean you stick it in the sink and leave hot water in the pan but that really only half does the trick, you know? And then you’ve got a dirty pan for the rest of your life. So you have to be disciplined when you’re making two things at once because you never know what may happen). Get out a mixing bowl and put in 1 tbsp of Robotussin, 2 tbsp of DayQuil and 1 Q-tip full of Vick’s VapoRub. Mix it all up and boil it so it sort of all melges together. (By the way the dictionary may tell you that “melge” is not exactly a word. The dictionary is wrong. Words are simply whatever we sound out to get our point across. Seriouptisciously.)

Once you’ve let the side mix sit to get back to room temperature, pour it into the potion and mix thoroughly. Then, on the side, crush 3 Advil tablets and 2 Adarall tablets. Pour those in and mix again.

Now all you have to do is take 4 Oxycontin pills with your first four sips, finish the rest of the potion, and take a few hits of Ecstacy. Different people seem to react differently to different amounts of Ecstasy so I encourage you to experiment and figure out the amount that works best for you.

Anyway, I don’t know if you were sick, depressed, or just hung over, but trust me, together we’ll make sure your rough morning doesn’t turn into any kind of serious matter. And I’m not a doctor, but if you take Magic Potion enough, you wont need one!

OPTIONAL ADDITION:  Milk, for calcium, and three eggs, for protein may be mixed if you are lacking in strength or build, but if you need to lose a few, just stick with the regular potion.  If you think the addition would taste too gross, then you are seriously lacking in strength or build, and you should definitely add this mix.